things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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