You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
