dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am one with the molecules
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
