What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
