He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
