i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
