By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
