it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize