My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
third nipple confirmed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
