these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
