I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
