I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
