Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
