Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
