So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
