Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
