I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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