You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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