9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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