if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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