He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize