Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
