if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
