Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
