i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
