You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
