Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
