wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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