Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
