my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We are two peas in an std pod
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
