Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
