Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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