Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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