my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
