I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize