I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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