I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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