He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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