Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Blood and glitter go together right?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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