she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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