Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
