God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
