i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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