Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
