You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
