With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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