you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
