She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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