distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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