I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
