it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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