Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
