Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
