Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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