i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
