Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
