worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
