you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
