Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
