Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
