Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
