cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
