1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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