He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
