I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
