i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
