Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
