i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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