I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
