Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The air taste purple.
Randomize
